In Paulo Coelho’s 1988 novel ‘The Alchemist’, there’s a theme that stays with me: “When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” It’s a profound reminder of the delicate balance between generosity and self-preservation. While the world often celebrates selflessness, it rarely acknowledges that you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Last week, I received a text from a close friend asking for a favour. It was something I could technically do, but it would have required rearranging my plans for the next day. As I stared at the screen, I felt that all-too-familiar tug of guilt. But instead of typing a quick “yes,” I took a deep breath and replied, “Sorry bro. Cannot-lah this time.”
To my surprise, the world didn’t end. My friend replied with an understanding, “No worries!” and that was that. That simple “no” felt revolutionary—a reminder that setting boundaries isn’t an act of defiance but of self-respect.
Now, how often do we say “yes” out of habit or obligation, or the belief that we’re being helpful? Yet, each unintentional “yes” comes at a cost—our time, our energy, our mental well-being.
I’ve been guilty of this myself, stretching my schedule thin to accommodate others, only to find my focus scattered and my energy drained. When you’re constantly saying “yes,” life becomes reactive. You’re no longer steering the ship; you’re merely responding to waves.
And you realised that you are still where you are; not moving.
Let’s be clear: I don’t mean for us to shut people out or refusing to help—it’s about recognising our limits and yet still respecting them. Saying “no” to what drains you creates space for what truly matters.
In The Alchemist, Santiago, the protagonist, is faced with countless decisions on his journey to discover his Personal Legend. Each choice forces him to weigh his desires against distractions. At one point, he almost settles for a life of comfort, tempted to abandon his pursuit of the treasure he’s seeking. But by saying “no” to settling, Santiago says “yes” to his dream.
The lesson is clear: boundaries are the guardrails that keep us aligned with our goals. Every time you say “no” to something that doesn’t serve your purpose, you’re saying “yes” to your own growth.
Breaking the fear of disappointing others
Let’s be honest—saying “no” can be deeply uncomfortable. It’s natural to feel a twinge of guilt or worry that you might upset someone or come across as selfish. After all, many of us have been conditioned to equate saying “yes” with being kind, accommodating, and dependable. You see, setting boundaries doesn’t make you unkind—it makes you honest. There’s a difference.
People who truly value you will understand and respect your decision, even if it’s not what they hoped to hear. And those who don’t? Their reaction says more about them than it does about you. Remember, respecting your own limits is a form of self-respect, and it invites others to respect you in return.
I once declined to put down my name in a research grant proposal because I knew I can’t commit to give it my best if it gets approved. At first, naturally I felt terrible, imagining I’d let them down. But later I was told, “I appreciate your honesty. It’s better to have someone fully committed than someone stretched too thin.” That response was a revelation: saying “no” is actually better than saying “yes” half-heartedly.
This week, I challenge you to identify one thing to which you’ll firmly say “no.” Maybe it’s an extra task at work, a social invitation you’re not excited about, or even a seemingly small request that feels like a burden.
Saying “no” doesn’t mean closing yourself off—it means protecting your energy for the things that truly matter. It’s an act of courage, of self-awareness, and ultimately, of love—not just for yourself but for those around you.
In learning to say “no,” you’re not rejecting the world; you’re choosing how you show up in it. And in that choice lies your strength.
Yes, the answer is “no”.
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Ir Dr Nahrizul Adib Kadri is a professor of biomedical engineering and the Principal of Ibnu Sina Residential College, Universiti Malaya. He may be reached at nahrizuladib@um.edu.my
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