By Dr Cherish How
Before the rise of social media, mourning was deeply a personal affair. Families and friends shared news of a loved one’s passing through traditional means, such as printed newspaper obituaries or word of mouth, which provided details of funerals. Condolences were expressed in person at wakes or through physical gestures like flowers or cards. After the funeral, mourning often gave way to private grief, where families coped in their own ways.
Today, social media platforms, such as Facebook and Instagram, have transformed how we mourn and share grief. Posts announcing a loved one’s passing serve not just to spread the news but also create virtual spaces for mourning. These platforms allow friends and acquaintances to share memories, post old photos, or write heartfelt tributes. Some even take it a step further by uploading funeral videos to allow others to ‘attend’ virtually.
Additionally, digital expressions of grief on social media often involve using emojis, GIFs, and hashtags. For instance, a white heart emoji may symbolize support, while crying face emojis and virtual hugs GIF convey sorrow. This new digital form of grieving allows people to connect across distances and create a sense of community among the bereaved.
A digital legacy
Apart from paying tributes to the loss of our loved ones, interestingly, Facebook allows us, the social media users, to decide what happens to our profiles after death through its ‘Memorialization’ feature. A Facebook profile can be ‘memorialized’ when we assign a legacy contact to manage it. This enables it to serve as a digital tribute space. Alternatively, we can opt to have our accounts deleted after we pass. These options provide us the freedom to decide whether we want to be remembered publicly or fade away entirely.
Public figures such as celebrities often turn to social media to mourn their peers publicly. Their heartfelt tributes not only acknowledge the loss but also invite followers to participate in collective mourning. However, such public mourning can sometimes stir controversy, especially when the mourner’s relationship with the deceased was complicated.
For instance, the recent passing of actress Shannen Doherty, after losing her battle with breast cancer, sparks such controversies when tributes from her former co-stars, Alyssa Milano and Jennie Garth, drew mixed reactions from her friends and fans.
Milano acknowledged their “complicated relationship” in her Instagram post while offering condolences to Doherty’s loved ones. However, Doherty’s friends reportedly called the post “disgusting” by referencing the long-standing conflicts between the two, including accusations that Milano played a role in Doherty’s departure from Charmed, the TV series.
Similarly, Garth’s tribute post to Doherty’s passing drew many to speculate that it was more of a social obligation than a genuine act of mourning. It was reported that one of Doherty’s friends was not impressed with the post, stating, “They were not friends — she did that for likes”.
Conversely, heartfelt tributes from celebrities such as Kate Beckinsale, Olivia Munn, and Selma Blair resonated with fans. These tributes were directed not just to Doherty’s family but also particularly to her, emphasizing the personal impact she had on other celebrities.
“Love you. Fly high lovely kind sweetheart woman. This hits hard. Your heart, courage and kindness will be so missed.” – Kate Beckinsale
“Fly so high, my friend.” – Olivia Munn
“Thank you for being here. Thank you for showing us how to keep going. Rebel heart.” – Selma Heart
The nature of grief on social media
The shift in mourning raises several important questions: Does public mourning reflect genuine sorrow, or is it driven by social obligation and fear of criticism? Are tribute posts for the deceased, who would not be able read them, or for the mourners, to show solidarity?
While some may argue that social media creates a shared space for remembrance, others worry that it risks turning personal grief into a performance. Perhaps the answer lies in striking a balance — using social media not as a stage, but as a bridge that connects mourners across distances, enabling shared grief and collective healing. At its core, mourning should remain a human experience, steeped in authenticity and empathy. Whether expressed in the intimacy of private rituals or the expansive reach of a digital platform, the essence of grief lies in honoring the departed while offering solace to the living.
“There are three needs of the griever: To find the words for the loss, to say the words aloud, and to know that the words have been heard.” – Victoria Alexander
The author is a senior lecturer at Faculty of Languages and Linguistics, Universiti Malaya, and can be reached at cherish@um.edu.my
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