By Dr Cherish How
Recently, I took an e-hailing ride home from work because I was not feeling up to driving. Although I had selected the ‘quiet ride’ feature, the driver continued to make small talk. Initially, I felt it would be impolite to ignore him, so I engaged politely, thinking he was just being friendly. However, his friendliness crossed a line when he began asking personal questions including how much I am earning and what my marital status is, completely ignoring my discomfort. Even though I replied with short answers to signal my unease, he did not seem to pick up on these cues.
When he asked about my salary, I felt uncomfortable sharing such information with a stranger, so I avoided the question by giving a vague answer. Nevertheless, after learning enough about my job, academic background, and income, he asked if I was married or single. At that point, I decided not to be fully honest and told him I am married and living with my husband. He then responded with the phrase “Thank God” in Chinese, adding, “I thought you belonged to the category of 女强人 (nǚ qiáng rén)”.
The term is often used to describe a ‘career woman’, which implies someone who can thrive independently without needing a man in her life. While this term can carry either a positive or negative connotation, in this context, it had a negative connotation due to his use of “Thank God”, suggesting relief that I did not, in his view, “belong” to the category of nǚ qiáng rén and defy the norms. Living in the 21st century, I was taken aback by his mindset and thought, is this really how independent and career-driven women are perceived in society?
The driver’s reaction reflects a societal mindset that social psychologist, Bella DePaulo, terms singlism, which is the stereotypes, stigmatisation, and discrimination single people face, especially single women. According to DePaulo, society often implies that single people cannot find true happiness without marriage. The idea of singlism explains why single women frequently encounter questions about their relationship status, questions that subtly reinforce the assumption that marriage is the ideal path in life.
Single adults are often interrogated at family gatherings or reunions with friends. Common question like “When are you getting married?” or “Why are you still single?” presupposes that everyone will eventually marry. Other questions, such as “Aren’t you worried your time is ticking?” or “Aren’t you afraid of growing old and being alone?” imply that being single is a problem. Unfortunately, there is also no right answers to these questions. While such questions may stem from genuine concern, they can also impose social pressure on women to justify their life choices. As DePaulo points out, this pressure suggests that happiness is linked to marital status. It subtly implies that being single is somehow undesirable or incomplete.
Language itself plays a crucial role in the concept of singlism. For instance, terms like ‘Miss’ and ‘Mrs.’ reveal a woman’s marital status, while ‘Mr.’ applies to men regardless of theirs. Negative labels such as ‘Christmas cake in January’ or ‘anak dara tua’ (commonly translated as ‘old maid’) are often associated with women who remain unmarried past a certain age, suggesting that they are undesirable. On the contrary, single men are more often seen as simply being picky.
Presuppositions and implications about women who do not follow conventional paths can create discomfort. Recognising these biases is essential, as it enables single women to challenge negative societal expectations and highlight the positives of remaining single. In fact, many successful women who have never married, such as Oprah Winfrey, Coco Chanel, Emma Watson, Selena Gomez, and Taylor Swift, have made significant contributions to society. In Malaysia, Soo Wincci, a beauty pageant titleholder, actor, singer, and lecturer with both a master’s degree and a PhD, also demonstrates that marriage is not a measure of success.
Society should respect individual life choices and recognise that unmarried women, too, can achieve fulfilment beyond marriage. The respectful use of language can help shift the focus from a woman’s marital choices to her achievements, countering the notion of singlism and acknowledging the value of diverse life paths.
The author is a senior lecturer at Faculty of Languages and Linguistics, Universiti Malaya, and can be reached at cherish@um.edu.my
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